i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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