dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
