O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
