evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Randomize
