i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
