he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
