all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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