Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
