some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
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Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
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I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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