So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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