wrigley field is MILF paradise
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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