I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
