she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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