I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
