You smell like stripper and shame
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
