I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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