Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid