Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
