And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
And then my night got REAL pukey
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.