Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
