did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My vagina just recognized that song.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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