Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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