i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
