something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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