I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
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I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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