I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Someone shattered a urinal.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
