the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
