what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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