Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
