remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
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He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
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It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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