All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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