If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
