The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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