so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
