He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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