The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
