Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
