Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
