i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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