Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize