I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
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