If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
