I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I have already put on my inside pants.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
