So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I got inside last night via doggy door
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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