I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
