new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
