I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
