Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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