The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
