I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
