there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
