My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
