I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
