and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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