I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
