come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
