I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
