Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
