I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
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