My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
