At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
